Personal Pieces of Writing

Fear is the sound of my husband’s boots as they hit the floor

I can no longer taste the freedom of my childhood

I once had a mother that sang to me and a father that would kiss my cheek

No longer can I see them

This man has taken my youth, my light, my beauty

I am forever tainted

I feel his breath on my skin and I ache for love

No longer am I alive to feel the warmth of the sun

I open my mouth

the sound desperate to escape

Doesn’t anyone hear my cry?

I feel the blood once inside me slowly falling to the floor

And I ache for love

I savor the end in my mouth

No light

And I am lost in darkness

Forever

I have two beautiful children, Jackson and Kiley, ages four and one and a half and I have recently decided to be a stay at home Mom.  I never understood what it meant to be a Mother before I had children, but the minute they were born, I realized that all the sacrifices I would now make throughout my life, all the joy and heartbreak I would experience in the years to come would be neatly wrapped up in the title of “Motherhood.”   The love and emotion that I felt was like no other.  I knew that day that I would do whatever it took to keep them safe and to give them the opportunity to flourish into the people they were destined to become.  I made the choice to stay at home with my children because I wanted to make sure they were raised with respect, intelligence and unconditional love.

I have the utmost respect for people who run daycare centers, but I knew that a Mother’s nourishment early in a child’s life could not be replaced.  I was uncomfortable with the thought of someone else taking my place and raising my children.  A child’s experiences throughout their life can either change their spirits in a positive or negative way and I wanted my children to be able to have their first few years of life spent with all of the love that could fill their hearts.  I didn’t want the choice I made to possibly diminish all my effort of positive influence.  I wanted to be the one to inspire them, to teach and encourage them and to learn together about their world. 

This decision to stay home would not come without great sacrifice. The primary burden has been financial, which has been the biggest source of stress and anxiety for us.  Over the course of parenthood, we have suffered job loss, financial debt, and moved in with family in order to stay afloat. 

We have been hit hard, but despite the negative, my life has changed in unimaginable positive ways.  The love and emotion I feel as I watch my children grow, learn and become individuals is indescribable.  To be there to hear first words, to everyday feel the warmth of their cuddle, to know that only Mommy can kiss a bump like no other fills me up to the brim with pride.  I am constantly aware of how lucky I am and how blessed I am to be present for it all.  I genuinely appreciate everyday with them and I know in my heart that I am doing something remarkable.  What I am giving up doesn’t compare to what I am getting in return.

I am comforted to know that even though we have given up a relaxed two income lifestyle and might not have expensive clothes or drive a fancy car, I am raising two of the most respectful, compassionate, and loving children I could have ever imagined.  My children might have hand me down shoes to run with, but they are running with the knowledge that two loving parents are behind them, ready to catch them when they fall.  That, to me, means more than the status of my bank account.   I know that our decision for me to stay home was the best thing I have ever done in my life and the sacrifices we are making now are the right ones for the future.